Lulu climbs onto my shoulder and perches. “Be my muse,” I say. She temporarily nestles in the crook of my neck before launching her attack on my Mac. Ten minutes ago she was banned for attempting to comment “qqq” on a fellow blogger’s post before redirecting me to a blog I had not visited. I read it searching for some inspiration.
I bought this kitten to feel more alive. I am blogging to feel more present in every moment, to really pay attention. I need to examine things the way she does, as if everything is newly discovered. I need to use more imagery, similes, metaphors. I need not to be so “telly.” I need to vary my sentence beginnings.
Maybe my voice is my out loud voice. In person I can be funny because I think quickly and quip sarcasticly. It’s funny because it’s spontaneous. If people know you have hours on end to write something funny, well it’s not really so funny. It’s a little contrived. Trying too hard. My writing can even be preachy.
It’s Kegel writing. I can’t just let myself write freely, I am compelled to do these writing Kegels to strengthen my writing muscles. Not just let myself let it all out. I edit and censor constantly. As I write this I am worried about the word “quip” in the last paragraph. Some people have “pee fright.” I have “write fright.” I worry what people will think. Maybe I do this for approval, not just for a catharsis. Maybe I do this for selfish reasons, because I want to connect with people, I want to provide them with genius insight, I want them to get me. I told myself that getting the kitten wasn’t selfish, but who rescued whom?
In any case, if people figure out who I am, I will never be able to run for president.